I am a 28-year-old, married woman. I have been married for about a year and 3 months. I love my husband a lot, but I feel that I am getting over protective and possessive for him. Whenever he looks at any woman, I get mad at him. This is something I just can’t bear. Sometimes we also fight because of this.
I love him and I want him to be loyal towards me the way I am. Though he might be loyal, but I am not sure. I always compare myself to him and I never look or stare at men. What should I do? I can’t even discuss this problem with anyone!
Answer by Dr Joshi:
Being over protective or possessive for your partner is a difficult experience for both of you and it can certainly damage your relationship. I hear that you cannot bear him looking at another woman, even though he is loyal to you.
This level of deep possessiveness could be the result of the way you were brought up, some past experience, trust issues, or having low self-esteem. Regardless of the reason, it is often related to the need for power and control within a relationship. This may be rooted in your early experiences, leading to fears of abandonment.
When rooted in early childhood experiences it usually is inconsistent experience with parental figure leading to insecurities. Insecure people tend to attract partners who initially reassure, but ultimately are burdened by the constant need for reassurance, and then either leave or stop participating. The lessened priority reactivates the separation anxiety and they become frightened, clingy, and controlling.
When rooted in some past experience, usually helps to check – Was there someone in your past who betrayed you? Do you feel like you are in danger of losing your husband? This understanding can feed your discussion with your partner, which help you to get a better handle on what is going on in your current relationship.
Often possessiveness is rooted in feelings of inadequacies or low self-worth. Possessive partner lacks sufficient self-esteem and self-confidence to allow the other person to have a life that consists of outside interests, social support or meaningful interactions. Reflect on whether you are harbouring feelings of being not good enough for your partner.
If so, build a strong sense of self, appreciate your own self-worth. Identify your own strengths and qualities that you are offering into the relationship.
Possessiveness also displays narcissistic traits, people who feel the entitlement to another’s resources and react dramatically when denied. It could also be that you have a basic mistrust in life. Reflect on whether this is a pattern for you. Trust issues tend to lead to an urge to control and demand things in a relationship. Controlling, nagging and doubting makes the relationship suffer.
I would recommend to first start with ‘Self-reflection’ to Identify and explore what feelings, fears, and concerns are causing you to be possessive. The best remedy for dealing with this is to acknowledge it and ‘communicate’ your fears to your partner, hopefully, he will reassure you that he isn’t going anywhere.
